You, Your Family, and Mental Illness:
Your mood jumps from one extreme to the other. You neither understand nor have any way to stop it. You have been depressed before; but this is like nothing anyone can imagine. It is a blackness beyond belief. You feel as if you are drowning in an emotional pit with no bottom. The force is pulling you down. The harder you try to get out, the further down you fall. It is covering you. There is no light, no way out.
There is no accounting for falling into the pit or for getting out, but you do get out. You can feel the high times coming. They are not good for you or your family; but here they come. You are a winner. Your special powers and abilities are coming back. There is no end to your energy. You can take on the world; and whatever you do turns to gold. You can think better, talk faster, and the sky is the limit. Everything you say is funny, every idea you have will work. You are smarter and more clever than anyone. If you think it, you say it. If you feel like it, you do it. They say you are sick but they do not understand. If they knew how good it feels, they would never try to bring you down.
Are you fat? You think you are; but whether you are is not the point. You have to control your appearance. You have to get to where you look good to you.
Do you watch what you eat and stay on a sensible diet? Do you avoid fattening foods? All that works for other people but not for you. You have to keep at it twenty-four hours a day.
You cannot make yourself completely stop eating but you try. People say you are too thin and are not healthy. They are just trying to get you to eat. It is not true. You need to lose just a little more and you will look normal.
You pretend you are not interested in food and eating. It could not be further from the truth. You think about food, get food for others, hide food, and carry food around to prove to yourself you are in control. If you slip, no problem. A few laxatives or a good vomit and you are back in control.
But there are times when you save up. You carefully horde your supply and eat it all at once. It is a binge such as the world has never seen. If anyone knew you ate it all, they would think you are crazy. Maybe you are. You wonder if they are right.
Do you trust people? Of course you do not trust everyone. Come to think about it, you do not trust anyone. You do not even always trust the people you sometimes trust. Anyone will turn on you. The truth is everyone will do you in if it serves their purposes. People are that way. It is human nature.
Mistrusting is not the half of it. If anyone knew the kinds of thoughts and feelings you are really having, well, you believe they would think you are quite weird. You think you are weird. You know you are weird. Not really. The truth is it is all true. The thoughts and ideas you are having are true whether anyone believes you.
People are trying to poison you. The coded messages are there every night on the TV news. They think you do not know but you do. You try to tell them but they will not listen, will not believe. It is not surprising. They never believe the seventh son of the seventh son of the Tribe of Dan of the Dins and the Duns and a direct descendent of the divine. A prophet in his own time is always scorned and turned away.
You are afraid. It is there and never goes away. What are you afraid of; what do you think will happen? It is not like being afraid of someone or something. You are just afraid. Sometimes it is less. It can almost go away if you are at home, if you are in your room. Even then, there are times. The panic takes you, controls you. You are dizzy. You cannot breathe. You are going to pass out. You wish you could pass out. You wish you could die.
You are almost all right so long as you stay away from crowds, do not go out, are not by yourself. No, you are not all right but it is not as bad as the panic and fear, the painful, terrifying fear. You know something is wrong with you. There is something very wrong. The doctor says you are neurotic. Your family thinks you are crazy. Maybe you are crazy. You know you are not crazy but there is something badly wrong. You have to do something, take something to keep the panics away.
The voice says you have to do something. It is not really there but it is. It says bad things to you, calls you bad names, tells you to do bad things. It is not always there but is real, is not a dream. It is telling you to hurt someone. You have to do it. You cannot refuse.
The voice tells you to look. It is true, it is the Devil. You must keep him away. He is in your cup; and if you drop it, the Devil will be loose on the world. You must kill evil people. You must keep the Devil in the cup and kill evil. You have been chosen to protect the world.